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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

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( MUSIC PLAYING )

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Rob, I'm pouring your orange juice.

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ROB: Coming, Laura.

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Good morning, honey.

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Shhh.

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What did I do, kiss you too loud?

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( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT )

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Your son.

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Yes, I know.

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Well, look at him.

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ROB: I'm looking.

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LAURA: What is he doing?

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He's sitting at the breakfast table,

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eating his cereal and reading the paper?

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He can't read.

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I can so read.

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Isn't that cute?

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He's imitating me, is what he's doing, honey.

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Oh, I guess so.

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You know, for a minute, I really believed what I saw.

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Is that the way I look in the morning?

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Of course not.

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I didn't think so.

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No, you're much taller.

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Grrrr.

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Sit down, tiger. Oh, okay.

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Look here, Daddy.

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"How, and, work, will, home, and."

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He is reading.

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Richie, that's wonderful.

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How about that?

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And only a few weeks ago,

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all he could read were one-letter words.

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Are you proud of me, Daddy?

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I certainly am.

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Then give me a nickel.

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Rich, I'm very proud of you and here's your reward.

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Okay?

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I'd rather have a nickel.

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Well, we don't pay for learning around here,

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young man.

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Now why don't you go out and play with your new friend

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'til it's time for school?

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ROB: Who's his new friend?

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LAURA: A boy who's just moved in on maple street.

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Tommy kirk. He's older than me

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and he says words that I don't understand.

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All right, Richie, go on outside and play

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and let Daddy have his breakfast.

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Okay.

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You remember when we talked about having his IQ tested?

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I think now's the time.

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Why?

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Why? You saw what happened here.

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Do you realize that boy has only been in public school

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for six months?

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If he progresses the way he's been going,

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you know what he might turn into?

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LAURA: What?

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An average child.

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Hello, Marge? This is Mrs. Petrie.

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Yes, I know my husband isn't in yet

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but would you have him call home the minute he arrives?

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Well, no, it's not urgent but it's important.

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Make that urgent and important.

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Well, it's almost an emergency.

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It's about Richie.

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No, no, not that kind of an emergency,

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he's not hurt.

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It's--well, just have Mr. Petrie call me as soon as he gets in.

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And tell him it's about something Richie said.

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Thank you, Marge.

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Okay, Buddy, no wisecracks.

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How do you like 'em?

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Very nice.

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You really mean it?

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Yeah, they're swell.

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You're positive?

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All right, walk around a little.

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Now make like you're being kissed.

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Now dance a little bit.

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Dance? Dance.

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Oh, you haven't been out in a long time.

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Oh, come on!

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All right, come on. Sit down.

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Sit down?

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Yeah, sit down.

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Cross your legs.

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I like 'em.

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You wouldn't kid me, would you?

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Why should I kid you? I always liked your legs.

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The shoes, buddy.

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The shoes!

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Ohhh, the shoes.

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All right, walk around a little bit.

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And make like you're being kissed.

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Oh, come on, now.

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No, but really, Buddy, they are nice, aren't they?

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They are beautiful.

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Yes, they are. They are beautiful.

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Ah-ha. Ooh, yes, they feel good too.

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Buddy, you really like these?

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I really like 'em.

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Yeah, but do you love 'em?

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Yeah, I love 'em.

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Better than the alligators?

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Better than the alligators.

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You're sure?

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I'm positive.

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Good, I'll take the alligators.

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Well, what'd you ask me for?

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'Cause I value your opinion.

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You do? Sure. Your taste is rotten.

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Thanks a lump.

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Hi, Rob. Oh, hi, Rob.

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Sally, Buddy, come here.

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What?

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"Encyclopedia For Children."

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Hey, how come you buy Buddy a present and not me?

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I bought this for Richie.

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Do you know that I found him picking words

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out of the newspaper this morning?

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That little kid, already? He can read?

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What, are you surprised he learned before you did?

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Of course, it's a little old for him right now

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but it won't be long before he understands it.

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I can't get over that.

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Six years old, and he reads.

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You know, I was six years old, I couldn't even wave bye-bye.

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( PHONE RINGING )

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Hello?

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Hey, Rob, if that's for me, tell him I'll be ready at seven.

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Oh, you got a date tonight?

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No, but I'm always ready at seven.

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I don't care who he is.

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Hi, Marge.

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That's not him.

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No.

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What, about something Richie said?

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Yeah, get her for me, will you? I'll hold on.

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Laura called about something Richie said.

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As soon as I'm through here, we'll get to work.

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Hi, honey.

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Rob, I hope I'm not interrupting you

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but I had to let you know.

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Oh, it's all right, honey.

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What did he say, a big word?

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LAURA: Not exactly.

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It was in the station wagon

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while I was taking him to school this morning.

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Is anybody listening?

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Buddy and Sally, but they can't hear.

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Oh, I can hear. Can't you hear?

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I can hear like a dog.

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SALLY: Yeah, we can hear, Rob.

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Come on, you guys.

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I'm sorry, honey, go ahead.

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Well, do you know what your son said to me this morning?

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ROB: Something bright. What did he say?

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Well, he said--he said--

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Richie said that?

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What? What did he say?

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Oh, honey, are you sure he wasn't

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trying to say something else?

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Oh, Rob. I'm sure.

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It was just as plain as could be.

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Well, did you talk to him about it?

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No, of course not.

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I didn't want to let him know I was upset.

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Honey, he might say it again.

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What? What did he say?

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Oh, listen, we got to get an extension phone.

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We miss too much.

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Go ahead, honey.

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And I just ignored it.

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I don't think he'll ever say it again.

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Well, I should hope not.

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Well, don't you worry about it now.

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We'll talk about it when you get home, all right?

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ROB: Okay.

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LAURA: Bye.

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Bye.

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Well?

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Richie said a bad word.

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Well, that we gathered.

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Well, what was it? What did he say?

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I can't repeat it in mixed company.

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Oh, I understand, Rob.

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Buddy, would you mind leaving the room?

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What bothers me is how do you handle a thing like this?

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Laura says we shouldn't make an issue of it.

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Well, that makes sense.

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Well, I think he ought to be told about it

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and scolded for it.

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Well, that makes sense too, Rob.

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Boy, I remember what my old man did

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in a case like this.

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What?

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Rapped me right in the mouth.

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Did that stop you from talking that way?

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You kidding? I had such a fat lip I couldn't talk at all.

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Yeah, well, my mother had a different system.

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She used to lecture me.

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Every time I'd use bad language,

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she'd wave her finger at me and say,

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"show me a person that speaks with a curly tongue

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and I'll show you a bird that gathers feathers."

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I don't understand that.

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Neither did I.

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But it cured you of using bad language.

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Oh, sure, that and a rap in the mouth.

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You guys are no help at all.

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Well, I know what I got to do.

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I'm gonna go home tonight

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and have a man-to-man talk with my son.

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Man-to-man?

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Hey, is Richie ready for that?

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I think he's ready for it.

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SALLY: Are you? No.

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Laura, I have got to talk to him about it.

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I say ignore it.

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I promise I won't scold him. I won't lose my temper.

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It's wrong.

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Honey, he might say it to a stranger.

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Rob, if he finds out it's a bad word,

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he'll use it every time he wants to attract attention.

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Not if we make it perfectly clear to him

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that it is not permitted.

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After all, we're bigger than he is and he knows it.

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Wait a minute.

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What are you gonna do?

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I'm gonna see if Dr. Spock has a chapter on vocabulary.

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Now we don't need any Dr. Spock.

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I've never been more certain of anything in my whole life.

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RICHIE: Daddy!

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In here, Rich.

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Honey, now will you leave us alone?

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Leave the room.

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Rob, I will not leave the room.

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I own half that boy.

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All right. Will you promise you won't interfere?

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Rob, it's wrong. I just know it's wrong.

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RICHIE: Daddy!

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Yes, Rich?

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How do you say this long word?

247
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What word?

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That word.

249
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Oh, that's "unilateral."

250
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Unilateral.

251
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What does that mean?

252
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Well, it's actually two words,

253
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"uno" one, and "lateral" side.

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One side, kind of.

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Rich, we'll look at the paper a little later.

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Sit down. I want to talk to you, Rich.

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Honey, this morning, before you went to school,

258
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you said a certain word.

259
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I said a lot of words.

260
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Which word do you mean?

261
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Well, you never used this one before.

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I said a new word?

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Yes, it's a new one.

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Are you proud of me?

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Well, Rich, it's not the kind of a word

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that somebody would be proud of.

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Don't you remember what it was?

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No.

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LAURA: You see?

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Rich, you said it to mom in the station wagon

271
00:09:30,375 --> 00:09:31,375
on the way to school.

272
00:09:31,417 --> 00:09:32,917
It's wrong, it's wrong.

273
00:09:32,958 --> 00:09:35,417
Well, what did I say, mommy?

274
00:09:35,417 --> 00:09:37,125
Uh, Rich.

275
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:40,083
There are some words that are nice words.

276
00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:43,083
And there are other words that are not so nice.

277
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,792
I know a lot of nice words.

278
00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:45,958
Well, of course you do

279
00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:47,958
and that's what makes us proud of you when you say them.

280
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,458
I know a dirty one too.

281
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:50,958
ROB: Hold it!

282
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,375
Don't say anything.

283
00:09:53,417 --> 00:09:56,833
Mud. That's a dirty word.

284
00:09:56,833 --> 00:09:58,417
Mud? Ha, ha.

285
00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:01,042
Rich, "mud" is not a dirty word.

286
00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:02,625
Richie, try to understand me, honey.

287
00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:04,958
I am not interested in any other words.

288
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,375
I'm only interested in the one you said this morning.

289
00:10:07,417 --> 00:10:08,542
Was it naughty?

290
00:10:08,583 --> 00:10:09,333
Yes, it was.

291
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,500
Then I won't say it again, Daddy.

292
00:10:11,542 --> 00:10:13,542
Now, that's my good boy.

293
00:10:13,583 --> 00:10:15,833
Which word did I say, Daddy?

294
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,792
Well, Rich, it's an impolite word

295
00:10:18,833 --> 00:10:20,083
and I don't want to repeat it.

296
00:10:20,125 --> 00:10:23,042
Well, then how will I know what not to say?

297
00:10:23,083 --> 00:10:23,917
ROB: How will you--

298
00:10:23,958 --> 00:10:26,542
Richie, dear, I think it's time for bed.

299
00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:29,417
Don't forget to tuck me in.

300
00:10:29,458 --> 00:10:30,875
We won't.

301
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:33,208
I hate to be an "I told you so"

302
00:10:33,208 --> 00:10:35,000
but do you still think you were right?

303
00:10:35,042 --> 00:10:37,000
How was I supposed to know he wouldn't remember it?

304
00:10:37,042 --> 00:10:38,542
'Cause I told you he wouldn't.

305
00:10:38,583 --> 00:10:40,042
You said he wouldn't know what it meant.

306
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:41,583
Well, it's the same thing.

307
00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:43,042
Not remembering is just the same

308
00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:44,583
as not knowing what it meant?

309
00:10:44,583 --> 00:10:46,167
Well, translate it any way you like, darling.

310
00:10:46,208 --> 00:10:47,083
It proves one thing,

311
00:10:47,125 --> 00:10:49,458
that ignoring the issue makes more sense.

312
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:52,125
Ignoring an issue never makes any sense.

313
00:10:52,125 --> 00:10:53,125
RICHIE: Daddy?

314
00:10:53,125 --> 00:10:54,125
Yes, Rich?

315
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,542
Is this what you meant?

316
00:10:56,583 --> 00:10:58,125
Uh, that's--yes.

317
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,125
Now you promise me you won't say that word anymore.

318
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:03,208
'Cause it's naughty?

319
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:04,500
That's right, it is.

320
00:11:04,542 --> 00:11:06,125
Do you promise?

321
00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:08,958
I promise, Daddy, and I won't use it no more.

322
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,083
LAURA: Richie, don't say "no more."

323
00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:11,542
I won't use it anymore.

324
00:11:11,542 --> 00:11:13,042
Is "no" a bad word?

325
00:11:13,042 --> 00:11:15,083
It's a wrong word.

326
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:16,833
RICHIE: A wrong word?

327
00:11:16,875 --> 00:11:18,833
Well, honey, it's not really wrong, it--

328
00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:19,958
ROB: Honey.

329
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,083
Rich, you are a very, very good boy

330
00:11:22,125 --> 00:11:23,917
and mom and daddy love you very much.

331
00:11:23,958 --> 00:11:26,125
I love you too, daddy.

332
00:11:26,125 --> 00:11:27,125
You too, mommy.

333
00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:28,458
Ha, ha. Me too, pal.

334
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:29,458
We'll be in soon.

335
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,083
Okay.

336
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:33,917
Well, I guess you won't be hearing this

337
00:11:33,958 --> 00:11:35,125
around here anymore.

338
00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:36,958
You guarantee that?

339
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,917
Well, no, I can't guarantee it.

340
00:11:38,958 --> 00:11:39,792
Well, you just said that you didn't--

341
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,083
well, you won't hear it out of Rich

342
00:11:41,125 --> 00:11:42,083
and you won't hear it out of me.

343
00:11:42,125 --> 00:11:44,625
But who knows how you talk when you're alone?

344
00:11:50,292 --> 00:11:52,083
Gin.

345
00:11:53,583 --> 00:11:54,750
Tell me, Miss Jesse James,

346
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:57,500
when did you decide to take up card cheating as a career?

347
00:11:57,542 --> 00:12:00,458
Come on. Get it up, pigeon, a buck 40.

348
00:12:02,542 --> 00:12:03,833
Oh, Hi Rob.

349
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:16,083
You see before you a man 12 feet tall.

350
00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:18,708
I had my first man-to-man talk with Richie last night.

351
00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:20,042
Oh, about what he said yesterday?

352
00:12:20,083 --> 00:12:21,208
ROB: That's right and if I may say so,

353
00:12:21,250 --> 00:12:24,208
Dr. Spock would have been proud the way I handled it.

354
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:26,042
You know, nothing works like a little love

355
00:12:26,083 --> 00:12:27,208
and a little psychology.

356
00:12:27,250 --> 00:12:30,292
And a little rap in the mouth is pretty effective too.

357
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,750
Maybe with some kids but, fortunately,

358
00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:34,292
I don't have to resort to that for Richie.

359
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:35,708
All right, let's don't wallow around

360
00:12:35,750 --> 00:12:37,792
in my victory all morning.

361
00:12:37,792 --> 00:12:39,000
Let's put our little minds together

362
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,667
and come up with an opening joke for the desert island bit.

363
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:44,750
How about this? SALLY: No, that won't work.

364
00:12:44,792 --> 00:12:46,542
Oh yeah, we did it.

365
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:49,792
Rob, I've been thinking.

366
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,250
Alan's alone on this desert island, see?

367
00:12:52,292 --> 00:12:55,250
No people, no houses, just sand,

368
00:12:55,292 --> 00:12:57,042
and he's dying of thirst.

369
00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:58,042
All of a sudden--

370
00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,042
( PHONE RINGING )

371
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:01,083
the phone rings. That's funny.

372
00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:06,167
Hello? Oh, hi honey.

373
00:13:06,208 --> 00:13:07,625
What?

374
00:13:08,708 --> 00:13:12,167
He promised me he'd never say that again.

375
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,167
A different one?

376
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:14,625
A rap in the mouth, believe me.

377
00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:17,333
Come on, Buddy, please. Honey, what was it?

378
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:19,833
You can tell me.

379
00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:24,083
All right, just tell me how many letters were in it.

380
00:13:24,125 --> 00:13:25,875
Oh, my.

381
00:13:25,875 --> 00:13:28,208
Two raps in the mouth.

382
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:29,250
Cut it out, please.

383
00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:30,583
He's trying to be a father.

384
00:13:30,625 --> 00:13:32,625
ROB: Honey, you say he didn't say it.

385
00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:35,375
Well, did you erase it from his blackboard?

386
00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:37,083
Why not?

387
00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:39,333
He wrote it on the school blackboard.

388
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:44,667
Well, did he say why he did it?

389
00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:48,042
Teacher asked who learned new words today.

390
00:13:48,083 --> 00:13:50,208
Well, I hope he spelled it right at least.

391
00:13:52,208 --> 00:13:53,792
Well, yeah, honey, look, I'll break early

392
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,792
and come right home as soon as I can.

393
00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:59,042
Don't let Richie out of that house 'til I get there.

394
00:13:59,083 --> 00:14:00,792
Yeah, I'll come home as soon as I'm through.

395
00:14:00,833 --> 00:14:02,083
Bye.

396
00:14:04,292 --> 00:14:06,125
I wonder if he could have seen other words

397
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:08,375
and just got the letters mixed up?

398
00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:16,125
A rap in the mouth, definitely.

399
00:14:17,417 --> 00:14:18,833
Oh, come on, let's forget about it.

400
00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:21,042
Now, Sal, what were you saying for the word--

401
00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:22,667
uh, the opening?

402
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:24,083
Well, I was just saying that Alan's alone

403
00:14:24,125 --> 00:14:26,375
on this desert island, see, and he's flipping.

404
00:14:26,417 --> 00:14:29,375
There's nothing to drink and then all of a sudden--

405
00:14:29,375 --> 00:14:32,750
in comes a bald-headed jellyfish wearing glasses.

406
00:14:34,083 --> 00:14:36,792
And the jellyfish takes his glasses off and says,

407
00:14:36,833 --> 00:14:39,250
Rob! "Rob!"

408
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:40,750
Buddy, will you let him be?

409
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,333
Let him be what?

410
00:14:43,375 --> 00:14:44,708
Yuk!

411
00:14:46,292 --> 00:14:47,375
Rob, how's the script coming?

412
00:14:47,417 --> 00:14:48,792
Better than it was yesterday, I hope?

413
00:14:48,833 --> 00:14:50,083
Yeah, we're working on the opening

414
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,667
for the desert island bit.

415
00:14:51,708 --> 00:14:54,458
Sal, you were saying something. What was your idea?

416
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:57,042
Well, I was just saying that Alan's alone

417
00:14:57,083 --> 00:14:58,833
on this desert island.

418
00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:01,375
Of course, he's a lot older by now.

419
00:15:03,833 --> 00:15:06,250
He sees nothing but water for miles around

420
00:15:06,292 --> 00:15:07,375
and then all of a sudden--

421
00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:08,833
Rob!

422
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,458
SALLY: Doh!

423
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:11,750
ROB: What is it, Mel?

424
00:15:11,750 --> 00:15:13,083
Well, let's try to remember

425
00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:17,458
that Alan Brady does a family-type show, shall we?

426
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,292
Sorry, Mel, that's just something my kid wrote

427
00:15:19,292 --> 00:15:21,833
on the school blackboard.

428
00:15:21,875 --> 00:15:24,083
Well, isn't that carrying progressive education

429
00:15:24,125 --> 00:15:26,167
a little bit too far?

430
00:15:26,208 --> 00:15:27,833
He didn't learn these in school.

431
00:15:27,833 --> 00:15:29,167
Well, where then, at home?

432
00:15:29,208 --> 00:15:30,250
No, of course not.

433
00:15:30,292 --> 00:15:32,417
I wish I knew where Rich was picking that stuff up.

434
00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:34,083
And from whom.

435
00:15:34,125 --> 00:15:37,375
When was the last time he was at your house?

436
00:15:37,375 --> 00:15:39,250
Look, beachhead,

437
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:43,458
I don't use bad language in front of children

438
00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:46,083
but, in your case, I'll make an exception.

439
00:15:47,083 --> 00:15:49,417
Children can be a problem, can't they, Rob?

440
00:15:49,458 --> 00:15:51,250
At home and at the office.

441
00:15:51,292 --> 00:15:52,833
They sure can.

442
00:15:52,875 --> 00:15:54,333
Well, let's run something funny

443
00:15:54,375 --> 00:15:56,208
through that typewriter, shall we?

444
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:58,292
You'd never fit, fatso.

445
00:16:04,250 --> 00:16:07,250
Rob, Sally, this door slam

446
00:16:07,292 --> 00:16:10,125
is not directed at either of you.

447
00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:15,750
I think he's beginning to like me.

448
00:16:15,792 --> 00:16:16,833
What makes you say that?

449
00:16:16,875 --> 00:16:19,333
His door slams are getting softer.

450
00:16:19,375 --> 00:16:21,125
Hey, how about that island jazz, what was--

451
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,042
oh, forget it.

452
00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:23,875
I've tried to tell you three or four times.

453
00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:25,792
( CHUCKLING ) I'm sorry about the interruptions, Sal.

454
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:27,417
Go ahead, where were you?

455
00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:28,792
You mean, you're gonna let me finish this time?

456
00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:29,750
Yeah.

457
00:16:29,792 --> 00:16:31,250
You mean, this is it? No interruptions?

458
00:16:31,292 --> 00:16:33,083
No interruptions.

459
00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:34,042
Okay.

460
00:16:34,083 --> 00:16:36,292
So Alan's alone on this desert island, see?

461
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:38,833
Sees nothing but water for miles around

462
00:16:38,833 --> 00:16:40,208
and then all of a sudden,

463
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,250
a bottle washes up on the shore.

464
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:44,875
Now he opens the bottle and takes out the message

465
00:16:44,875 --> 00:16:46,500
and what do you think it says?

466
00:16:46,542 --> 00:16:49,167
ROB: A dirty word.

467
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,583
Aagghhhh!

468
00:16:50,583 --> 00:16:52,458
I'm sorry, Sally.

469
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:53,250
It can't be at school.

470
00:16:53,292 --> 00:16:54,458
I know the parents of all his friends

471
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,292
and they're very nice people.

472
00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:58,167
I agree with you. Not at school.

473
00:16:58,208 --> 00:16:59,500
Then where?

474
00:16:59,542 --> 00:17:01,292
Wish I knew.

475
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:03,125
There's one sure way to find out.

476
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:04,125
How? Ask him.

477
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:07,250
RICHIE: Daddy, mommy, look what Tommy gave me.

478
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:08,333
What is it, dear?

479
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:10,333
It's a turtle.

480
00:17:10,375 --> 00:17:11,458
Oh, well, if you're gonna keep it,

481
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,875
you're gonna have to take care of it

482
00:17:12,917 --> 00:17:14,125
and feed it yourself.

483
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,000
RICHIE: I'm not gonna keep it.

484
00:17:15,042 --> 00:17:18,500
I'm gonna make turtle soup out of it.

485
00:17:18,542 --> 00:17:20,208
Rich, would you put the turtle down

486
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:21,333
for just a minute?

487
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,417
I'd like to talk to you.

488
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:23,583
Sit down here.

489
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:24,417
Are we gonna talk about

490
00:17:24,458 --> 00:17:26,250
some of the words I learned today?

491
00:17:26,292 --> 00:17:27,167
No, Rich.

492
00:17:27,208 --> 00:17:29,833
Please forget everything you learned today.

493
00:17:29,875 --> 00:17:32,417
But I learned some good ones.

494
00:17:32,458 --> 00:17:34,375
Darling, maybe we ought to do this after dinner.

495
00:17:34,417 --> 00:17:36,250
Can I have what I want for dinner?

496
00:17:36,292 --> 00:17:37,250
What do you want, dear?

497
00:17:37,292 --> 00:17:39,250
Turtle soup.

498
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,333
Richie, you are not gonna make soup out of that turtle.

499
00:17:42,375 --> 00:17:45,875
Tommy said it was a jerky idea too.

500
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:49,875
Did he say "jerky?"

501
00:17:49,875 --> 00:17:50,875
Yes.

502
00:17:50,917 --> 00:17:53,208
He's never used that word before.

503
00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:55,250
And he just left Tommy Kirk.

504
00:17:55,292 --> 00:17:57,250
And the Kirks just moved in a few days ago

505
00:17:57,292 --> 00:18:01,083
and I don't know them.

506
00:18:01,125 --> 00:18:04,125
Rich, would you run in and wash your hands for dinner,

507
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,333
please?

508
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:06,500
Okay, Daddy.

509
00:18:06,542 --> 00:18:08,625
Can I wash the turtle's hands too?

510
00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:10,375
Yeah, go ahead.

511
00:18:10,417 --> 00:18:11,667
Come on, turtle.

512
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:14,333
Richie, don't use boiling water.

513
00:18:16,417 --> 00:18:17,500
Rob, what are you doing?

514
00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:19,917
Just watch. Hello, information?

515
00:18:19,958 --> 00:18:23,375
Do you have a number for Kirk, K-I-R-K?

516
00:18:23,417 --> 00:18:25,375
It's on Maple Street. It's a new number.

517
00:18:25,375 --> 00:18:27,208
Rob, what are you gonna say to him?

518
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:29,208
I'm gonna tell him that his language is contagious

519
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:32,250
and his son Tommy is contaminating this neighborhood.

520
00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:34,250
Tom, you can't say that to a perfect stranger.

521
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:36,083
443.

522
00:18:36,125 --> 00:18:37,167
Thank you very much, operator.

523
00:18:37,208 --> 00:18:39,375
Oh, Rob, this isn't the way to do it.

524
00:18:39,417 --> 00:18:41,667
Honey, the way I feel, I may say a few words

525
00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:44,375
that even Mr. Kirk never heard of before.

526
00:18:44,417 --> 00:18:46,292
Oh, Rob, please hang up.

527
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,417
Honey, please, don't.

528
00:18:47,458 --> 00:18:49,125
I've got myself all primed and built up

529
00:18:49,167 --> 00:18:52,125
to deliver a real good lecture on social behavior.

530
00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:53,542
Don't say anything to take the edge off my anger

531
00:18:53,542 --> 00:18:55,333
because I'm mad.

532
00:18:55,375 --> 00:18:57,708
Hello, who is this?

533
00:18:57,708 --> 00:18:59,917
Mrs. Kirk.

534
00:18:59,958 --> 00:19:03,375
Mrs. Kirk, this is Robert Petrie.

535
00:19:03,417 --> 00:19:07,917
The reason I--my wife wants to talk to you.

536
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:12,125
Well, you seem to have lost your edge pretty fast.

537
00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:14,583
How did I know Mrs. Kirk was gonna answer?

538
00:19:14,625 --> 00:19:16,292
Rob!

539
00:19:16,292 --> 00:19:17,625
Honey, Mrs. Kirk's waiting.

540
00:19:17,667 --> 00:19:19,417
She's coming right now.

541
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,667
Honey, come on.

542
00:19:21,708 --> 00:19:23,542
Rob, what am I gonna say to her?

543
00:19:23,583 --> 00:19:24,583
You say to her what I was gonna say to him.

544
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:26,500
Well, how do I know what you wanted to say to him?

545
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:29,250
You know how I think, honey, you know me.

546
00:19:29,292 --> 00:19:30,458
Mrs. Kirk, she's on her way right now.

547
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,333
Honey, Mrs. Kirk's waiting.

548
00:19:32,375 --> 00:19:33,958
Here she is.

549
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,125
Hello, Mrs. Kirk.

550
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:41,250
This is Mrs. Petrie, Richie's mother.

551
00:19:41,292 --> 00:19:43,542
Well, thank you, and Richie likes Tommy too.

552
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,667
Tell her what's been going on.

553
00:19:45,708 --> 00:19:47,125
Mrs. Kirk, I was wondering,

554
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:48,542
since our boys are such good friends,

555
00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:50,625
if you and your husband wouldn't like to come over

556
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:53,250
and visit us so we can become better acquainted.

557
00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:54,250
I wasn't gonna say that.

558
00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:56,125
Well, then, you say what you want it to be.

559
00:19:56,167 --> 00:19:58,292
My wife will be right with you.

560
00:20:00,625 --> 00:20:04,708
Yes, that was my husband who was just passing by.

561
00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:08,292
Well, then, shall we make it this evening about 8:30?

562
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:11,542
All right, the address is 148 Bonnie Meadow Road.

563
00:20:11,583 --> 00:20:13,333
All right, we'll look for you then.

564
00:20:13,375 --> 00:20:14,750
You're welcome.

565
00:20:14,750 --> 00:20:17,292
Honey, why did you do that? Who needs 'em over here?

566
00:20:17,333 --> 00:20:19,125
Rob, you can't discuss something like this

567
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:20,000
on the phone.

568
00:20:20,042 --> 00:20:21,083
Now the Kirks probably aren't even aware

569
00:20:21,125 --> 00:20:23,708
that their son is repeating things he hears at home.

570
00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:25,208
Please do it my way.

571
00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:26,542
All right, honey, but I am warning you,

572
00:20:26,583 --> 00:20:27,542
I am very upset,

573
00:20:27,583 --> 00:20:29,458
and I may lose my temper with them.

574
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:31,292
You seem to have lost your temper already.

575
00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:34,125
Well, I'll get it back before they get here.

576
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:37,208
I cannot understand why parents allow their children to do

577
00:20:37,250 --> 00:20:39,458
and say things that can only make them social outcasts.

578
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:41,167
Don't they even care about their kids?

579
00:20:41,208 --> 00:20:42,667
Rob, you're getting much too excited.

580
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:45,708
Good. I lecture better when I'm excited.

581
00:20:45,750 --> 00:20:47,125
How about some dinner?

582
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:48,125
What are you having?

583
00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:49,125
Spaghetti and meatballs.

584
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,292
I don't want any.

585
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:51,542
Well, honey, that's your favorite.

586
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:52,667
I know.

587
00:20:52,708 --> 00:20:54,625
If I eat it, I'll get happy and I want to stay mad.

588
00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:05,292
Well, it's 8:30. Where are they?

589
00:21:05,333 --> 00:21:07,292
Keep your voice down. Richie's asleep.

590
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:08,500
You really are upset, aren't you?

591
00:21:08,542 --> 00:21:10,292
I don't believe I have ever been as mad

592
00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:11,708
as I am at this moment.

593
00:21:11,708 --> 00:21:12,667
You know something,

594
00:21:12,708 --> 00:21:15,125
I'm getting just about as mad as you are.

595
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:16,208
You had your spaghetti and meatballs.

596
00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:18,250
What made you mad?

597
00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:19,250
I've just been up there

598
00:21:19,250 --> 00:21:20,542
looking at that innocent little boy

599
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,125
and thinking how difficult it's been

600
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:23,375
to keep evil away from him

601
00:21:23,417 --> 00:21:25,417
and to teach him right from wrong,

602
00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:27,458
to love him, and watch over him.

603
00:21:27,458 --> 00:21:28,708
Right. that's exactly what I mean.

604
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:32,292
And then to have some joker like this Kirk

605
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,667
who's totally unaware or permissive or whatever,

606
00:21:34,708 --> 00:21:37,167
come in the neighborhood and cancel out the whole thing.

607
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:38,167
I'm with you.

608
00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:39,500
( DOORBELL RINGS )

609
00:21:39,542 --> 00:21:42,292
Well, let's try to do this without losing our tempers.

610
00:21:42,333 --> 00:21:43,292
We won't lose our temper.

611
00:21:43,333 --> 00:21:44,333
You don't have to

612
00:21:44,375 --> 00:21:46,625
when you have the power of good on your side.

613
00:21:48,708 --> 00:21:51,333
I hope we're not late, Mrs. Petrie.

614
00:21:51,375 --> 00:21:52,583
May we come in?

615
00:21:52,625 --> 00:21:54,792
Uh, yes, come right in.

616
00:22:02,458 --> 00:22:05,625
Can we take your collar-- your hat?

617
00:22:05,667 --> 00:22:07,583
Oh, hat.

618
00:22:07,625 --> 00:22:09,167
Come in.

619
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,292
Well, I must admit that Richie's writing

620
00:22:16,333 --> 00:22:19,167
that on the school blackboard was pretty embarrassing.

621
00:22:19,208 --> 00:22:21,917
But I think our experience with Tommy was more annoying.

622
00:22:21,958 --> 00:22:23,708
And more expensive.

623
00:22:23,750 --> 00:22:25,250
Why, what did he do?

624
00:22:25,292 --> 00:22:27,917
He took a nail and scratched his little message

625
00:22:27,917 --> 00:22:29,250
in the living room wall.

626
00:22:29,292 --> 00:22:32,292
With a nail, huh? How about that, honey?

627
00:22:32,292 --> 00:22:33,458
Little devil.

628
00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:38,708
Oh, no, I didn't mean that. It just kind of slipped out.

629
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:39,542
Oh, that's all right.

630
00:22:39,583 --> 00:22:41,292
It's the way we felt about it too.

631
00:22:41,333 --> 00:22:43,292
Besides, things do slip out sometimes.

632
00:22:43,333 --> 00:22:44,208
ROB: Yes, they do.

633
00:22:44,250 --> 00:22:46,292
But how do you stop kids from slipping?

634
00:22:46,333 --> 00:22:48,417
I don't really know if you can.

635
00:22:48,458 --> 00:22:50,667
Of course, I'm not an expert on the subject,

636
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:54,208
obviously, but I do talk to a lot of parents

637
00:22:54,250 --> 00:22:57,167
and, believe me, our kids are not unique.

638
00:22:57,208 --> 00:22:59,208
This is a very common problem.

639
00:22:59,250 --> 00:23:02,292
I think that Tommy and Richie have just reached the age

640
00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:03,958
where they're searching to learn things

641
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,375
they haven't been taught at home.

642
00:23:05,417 --> 00:23:07,708
They're just trying to create a kind of independence

643
00:23:07,750 --> 00:23:08,667
for themselves.

644
00:23:08,708 --> 00:23:10,250
I just hope they don't get too independent.

645
00:23:10,292 --> 00:23:11,958
Yes, that could be very embarrassing.

646
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,333
Especially when you're in my husband's line of work.

647
00:23:15,375 --> 00:23:17,208
( LAUGHS )

648
00:23:19,500 --> 00:23:23,292
Well, as children grow older, they naturally say things

649
00:23:23,333 --> 00:23:25,417
that they know are wrong just to provoke a reaction

650
00:23:25,458 --> 00:23:28,333
so it's up to us to react correctly.

651
00:23:28,375 --> 00:23:30,458
ROB: But what is the correct reaction?

652
00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:32,417
Ha, well, there's several schools of thought on that.

653
00:23:32,417 --> 00:23:34,250
Take my father, for instance.

654
00:23:34,250 --> 00:23:35,917
His reaction was an understanding smile

655
00:23:35,917 --> 00:23:38,458
and a rap in the mouth.

656
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,458
Thank goodness we handle it differently nowadays.

657
00:23:43,458 --> 00:23:44,958
Yes, we do.

658
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,833
How?

659
00:23:46,833 --> 00:23:48,917
Well, mainly by setting a good example.

660
00:23:48,958 --> 00:23:50,000
Well, we try to

661
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,792
but how do you handle a situation like this one?

662
00:23:52,833 --> 00:23:54,333
Well, just the same way your husband does.

663
00:23:54,333 --> 00:23:55,750
I have a talk with Tommy

664
00:23:55,792 --> 00:23:57,875
and tell him how I feel about it.

665
00:23:57,875 --> 00:24:01,167
And I just try to do that in an atmosphere of mutual love.

666
00:24:01,208 --> 00:24:02,792
Oh, well, then, Richie has no problems, honey.

667
00:24:02,833 --> 00:24:04,917
The kid's crazy about us.

668
00:24:04,917 --> 00:24:05,750
I'm sure he is.

669
00:24:05,792 --> 00:24:06,917
And you don't go round saying things

670
00:24:06,917 --> 00:24:07,917
you wouldn't want him to hear.

671
00:24:07,917 --> 00:24:09,292
No, we try not to.

672
00:24:09,333 --> 00:24:11,292
You just have to realize that there's really no way

673
00:24:11,333 --> 00:24:13,875
you can keep him from hearing some bad things

674
00:24:13,917 --> 00:24:16,292
or even having some bad things happen to him.

675
00:24:16,292 --> 00:24:18,458
Like what happened to Tommy today.

676
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,458
What happened to Tommy?

677
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:22,333
Well, he traded his pet turtle to some little boy

678
00:24:22,333 --> 00:24:24,750
for 200 baseball cards.

679
00:24:24,792 --> 00:24:26,458
Uh, ahem, didn't he want to trade?

680
00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,833
Oh, yes, but after he did it, the little boy said

681
00:24:28,875 --> 00:24:32,792
he wanted the turtle to make soup out of him.

682
00:24:32,833 --> 00:24:34,292
Excuse me.

683
00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:37,375
To make soup out of him.

684
00:24:37,417 --> 00:24:38,375
I hope the kid's parents

685
00:24:38,417 --> 00:24:40,167
know enough to discourage him from doing it.

686
00:24:40,208 --> 00:24:41,417
Oh, I'm sure they do.

687
00:24:41,417 --> 00:24:43,292
I'm abso-- aren't you, darling?

688
00:24:43,333 --> 00:24:44,917
Oh, yeah, they're very intelligent,

689
00:24:44,958 --> 00:24:45,917
responsible parents.

690
00:24:45,958 --> 00:24:49,292
Here you are, Reverend.

691
00:24:49,333 --> 00:24:51,792
Well, the prodigal returneth.

692
00:24:51,833 --> 00:24:54,000
Yes, his hands are all clean too.

693
00:25:00,292 --> 00:25:02,833
( MUSIC PLAYING )